So, what do I mean by you haven’t proven yourself yet? Well, I’m talking to a specific segment of us, and I include myself in that segment. If you are constantly bettering yourself, you also are constantly changing. This is especially true if personal development or business development or just growth in general is newer to you. That means not just new that you just are first learning about it, but you’re really actually diving in.
If you’ve been listening to these Daily Growth Hacks, we’ve done over 50 of them now, and if you’ve been actually putting into action the Call to Action at the end of each of them, you have changed your life dramatically, I can guarantee that.
What happens? I’m going to tell you a story first and then I’ll come back and relate that back. I had a client of mine who I’d been working with for about three months at this time, and he called me up and he was having a problem. He said, “Doug, my daughter, she is visiting and she is such a pain. She’s driving me nuts. She’s super mean to me, she’s picking on me, she’s being rude, and she’s just being disrespectful.”
When I started working with this man, he wasn’t in his prime, admittedly so. Obviously, somebody that seeks a coach wants to get better. After we started coaching together, he started doing deeper dives. He was reading books, listening to audios, watching videos, journaling daily, doing his 90-day game. He had taken a complete 180 from the man that I met before, and it was amazing to see.
Obviously, he’s excited. He’s grasped this new life, he’s going after what previously he thought was impossible to have. He was becoming the author of his own story, and he was vibrant with energy. As a coach, nothing warms my heart more than to see that, but what happened is, his daughter was living with his baby’s mom, came to visit him. She’s about eight years old.
She comes to visit him, and now he’s this changed man. Now he wants to spend time with her, where before maybe he didn’t. He would pawn her off to somebody else. He would be disrespectful to her and to his girlfriend in front of her. He would be mean, rude, and frankly childish, in my opinion. What he did is he was now being loving, he was being honest, open, and telling her, “Hey, things have changed, I’ve changed. I’ve seen the error in my ways, and I love you.”
Of course, as anybody would do, especially an eight-year-old, she rejected it. She pushed back. I don’t believe this. She wasn’t saying this out loud, but you could tell this was going on internally. I know this only because I’ve been through this myself, and you can’t expect this eight-year-old, or anybody, this goes to your spouse too, to all of a sudden expect you to change, just because you have.
You haven’t proven yourself yet. You haven’t proven the change. It’s easy to make a change. For a lot of people listening to this you’re thinking, “Jeez, it’s hard. I’m having a hard time making a change myself,” and it might be, and I get that, and I’m with you, but the change part is actually the easy part. The hard part is keeping it up. This is just like a workout program or a diet if you’ve been on one before. Easy to start, hard to continue.
It’s only hard to continue because you give up on yourself. Your former self, the other part of you, your thermostat set so low that you actually self-destruct. You self-sabotage unless you’re staying on top of it, and that’s where this 90-day game I came up with comes in so handy because you’re able to stay on top of it day to day.
Back to his daughter: his daughter was simply saying, giving her dad a hard time, I don’t trust you. She had to push back, she had to challenge, she had to test him to make sure that he was doing the right things, and he was calling me and saying, “Doug, I need help. I don’t know what’s going on, this is ridiculous. Maybe this isn’t working.”
I just simply told him, “Look, you haven’t proven yourself. You haven’t proven yourself to be a man. You haven’t proven yourself to be a father yet.” We had a heart to heart and, frankly, a very tough conversation where I had to be real and honest with him and it hit him and he thanked me for that conversation. One week later I get a picture from him and he is backpacking in the backcountry and sends me a picture of he and his daughter laughing and having a great time.
What I told him to do is just love her even more. Just do ten times the love, ten times the compliments, ten times the man that you know you are, show it to her. Don’t just say it, and every time she tests you, know that she’s just crying for love. She’s crying to make sure that you are this new person that you claim to be because she wants this, she needs this.
She’s an eight-year-old little girl, but how often does this happen in other relationships in our lives? With your spouse. I can tell you specifically from my standpoint, this has happened between my wife and I, where I would change and she would test me and I would break down and get mad at her and yell at her, “Why don’t you believe me? I’ve made a change! I’m changing! I’m a better person!”
I would get all angry and upset, realizing actually, you know what, I hadn’t changed at all. Really I got triggered and I just blew up and I got upset right away, because how dare she test me and not believe me. But really, if I’m being the man that I claim to be, I would just roll with it and realize she was testing me because I’m solid in who I am.
I’ve done a lot of work and I’ve gotten there, and I hope you have too, and if you haven’t and you’re on your journey, just remember: when you’re strong within yourself and you’re changing, remember the people around you are going to have to wait to see those results. You can’t just change and expect people to take away that 20 years of being the jerk or the 20 years of being the liar or the 20 years of being lazy or the 20 years of being the person who’s always the comedian making fun of people, whatever it may be for you. You can’t just expect them to change overnight because you’ve made the change.
In your relationships, in your marriage, if you’ve been a jerk for ten years and now you’ve seen the light and you want to be the true king or maybe a queen in your relationship, you can’t expect that change to happen in a month, two months, maybe not even in a couple years, but if you’re solidified in being that person, if you really make that change, that’s not going to be a problem for you. You’re going to carry through. You’re going to be the change and show the result. Actions speak louder than words every time. Words are important, but actions always speak louder than words.
So I ask you today: in your Five to Thrive, where have you made a change and are getting pushback from somebody else, and realizing really what they’re saying is, “Show me. Show me that change consistently,” and where are you breaking down? Patch those holes up. Patch them up and realize the more solidified you get in who you are as a human, the more solidified you get on your story, how you’re being the author of your own story, the easier it becomes.
Stand in your own power. Stand in who you are, and everybody else will see it and you will shine, and if they don’t see it, it won’t matter. That’s the beauty of this. It won’t matter at all because you’re just being you. Is this the new you? Maybe. Maybe it’s really just the old you and you’ve just taken away all the crap. Stand in your power and be you and show them. Walk the walk and show them. Show them how they can become the author of their own story. You get the chance to be the inspiration. There’s nothing better. You can not only better your life, but you can better the lives of those around you.
Today my Call to Action is multi-faceted. I do want you to journal as always, I want you to break down your Five to Thrive and see where you may be breaking down and where you can actually walk the walk a little stronger, and show other people and lead with love. But also, I’m going to give you to the opportunity, or I want you take the opportunity, because I know it’s going to fulfill you: share the Daily Growth Hacks with five people you love. That’s my challenge for you. Share them with five people that you love, get them on the path.
This is going to start conversations with people that you love and people around you that matter. Conversations where you’re building your own tribe. You can talk about the same things, just like this Daily Growth Hack. Imagine if you had five close friends that were listening to this right now. You could go out and get coffee, go for a run, get a beer, whatever, and have a deep conversation about this and grow together.
Be a leader, build your tribe, and remember, as always: be the author of your own story.
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