Just yesterday, I was relating to a friend a story that happened in one of my businesses. See, somebody talked about me and talked about what we were doing, and they had two parts to this story. The first part is they said, essentially, that Doug, me, was being inauthentic, that I was actually being cheesy and fake. The second part of the story is they actually said they read an article, and the process we were taking this particular client through was the wrong path, and they didn’t believe that they should go down this path.
Now, when I was relaying this story to somebody, who was another business owner, they immediately looked at me and said, “Wow, why aren’t you more upset? This person said you’re being inauthentic, Doug. Why aren’t you upset about that?” And I thought about it for a second, and I was like, “Gee, it doesn’t bother me.” Like, when someone says I’m inauthentic, it would just be like me saying, “Hey, you’re blue.” Now, look, if I say you’re blue, you just laugh at it, right? Because you know you’re not blue. It doesn’t even cross your mind. But this also happens in other areas of our life, right? This happens in other areas when someone says, “Hey, you’re too fat,” “Hey, you’re stupid.” Now, if we believe an inkling within ourselves that that is true, we get upset immediately, we attack, and that’s our defense mechanisms kicking in.
Now, if someone’s saying something about you — or about your product, your services, or what you’re doing — that you don’t believe, it’s just completely not true … Because in this particular story, I was being nothing but authentic. I was legitimately doing the best for that client and best in their interest, and I was really trying to help them out. And sometimes, I get excited. I love building businesses, I love helping people achieve their dreams, and so I get really passionate about it. So in this particular case, when they said I was being inauthentic, or being cheesy, or whatever terminology they were saying, it just rolled right off me, because I just … It was just like someone saying, “Hey, Doug, you’re blue.” Well, I’m not blue, and just didn’t think anything of it. “Ah, that’s funny. Let’s move on to the actual issue at hand.” The only part I got offended by the whole story was this person had a personal attack on my business partner, or at least his emotions, and I thought that wasn’t right. So in this instance, it just didn’t make sense.
But this also happens often. When I’m coaching a client, or I’m talking to an entrepreneur, oftentimes they get upset because a loved one, a parent, a friend, someone is saying, “You shouldn’t be an entrepreneur, you shouldn’t start a business, you don’t have the contacts, you don’t have the money, you don’t have the smarts, you don’t know enough.” Now, they get upset because, in the recesses of their mind, they fear this is true too. They fear that this is a problem, right? And I’ve also seen this in my fitness background, where people would actually get triggered, or get upset because people would talk about their weight. “You’re not strong enough, you’re not good enough athlete, you’re too fat, you’re too thin, you’re too slow,” whatever it is. People only get upset if they actually believe what is being said, and that’s what causes it.
I see this time and time again in relationships, right? So if I’m working with a client, they actually will tell me, “Well, my wife is doing this, and da da da, they always say that I’m not around, I’m not doing enough in this relationship, and I’m not present.” And when I listen to them, when I’m done, I’m saying, “Do you feel this way? Is there a part of you that actually resonates with this, and actually thinks that you’re not being present enough, that you’re not doing enough in the relationship?” And ultimately, the answer comes to “yes.” Yes, they do. They fear that they’re not being enough, and therefore, they’re not good enough, and they won’t be loved, and so that’s why they get upset.
The same token, if someone says, “Hey, you’re not being present,” and you know you are, you just kind of shrug it off and laugh, and go, “Gee, that’s interesting, why do you think that?” And it doesn’t become an issue because it doesn’t bother you. You realize that’s the other person’s projection of themselves upon you, and it doesn’t cause any upset. So what I want you to think about today, and the insight that I want you to take from this conversation, is that if someone’s saying something about you that upsets you, it really upsets you and gets you triggered, and gets you “[inaudible 00:04:05] I can’t believe they said that about me,” or what have you, and you get mad, ask yourself, is there some part of you that actually believes that? Is there some part of you that believes that, that what they are saying is true?
Now, if they say something and you don’t get upset, you know it’s not true, and you just realize that’s a projection the other person is putting onto you. It’s their own personal projection, right? They feel they’re being inauthentic, or they’re being cheesy in some way, of some station of their life, and they’re projecting that onto you. That’s my case. But maybe it’s something else, “You’re not smart enough,” and you’re like, “I’m plenty smart to start my own company,” or “to go off and be the author of my own story.” And then, if you know that, it doesn’t bother you. You know the person saying that is projecting their own insecurities of their own intelligence, their own insecurities that they’re not smart enough to do the things that they really want to do.
So what I want you to do today is grab your journal and write out those conversations. We have them on a regular basis. They come up, they come to me all the time with my coaching clients. I see it in people on almost a daily basis at this point in my life. But I also receive these attacks, right? And sometimes, I do think they’re real. When I find myself getting upset, I realize, “Wait a minute, Doug, is this something that actually bothers you? Is this something you believe in yourself?” And then what I do is I journal about it, I write it down.
Now, the process of journaling is just getting the thoughts out of your mind, and you have the kinesthetic or tactile experience of writing. And when you’re doing that, there’s some kind of brain-hand connection that comes out that allows you to look at yourself and be your own coach, to be the author of your own story. And when looking at this, you get to read it and ask yourself, “Is this true?” In fact, I recommend you do this with Byron Katie’s The Work, or the Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet, and if you need that, go ahead and message me, and I’ll be happy to get that to you, but Byron Katie’s got a lot of resources. This allows you to see the truth in a situation, what really is possible here.
But just remember, if you’re not getting upset, then it’s not true. If you’re getting upset, then there’s an inkling in yourself that believes that’s true for you. And so by writing this down and journaling this, this allows you to look and see what’s going on inside of you, look at your own fears, look at your own insecurities, and then make the choice of whether you want to work on those or not. And that’s up to you; you can do that or not do it. And again, realize that when people are name-calling you or saying things about you, if it doesn’t bother you, realize that’s their projection of themselves upon you, and that’s their issues, and those are things that they’re working through, and my suggestion to you, instead of getting mad at them, just love them more, and just realize, “Wow, that person’s got some serious issues. I hope they get the help that they need, and I hope they figure it out, and things work out for them.” And just move on, it’s just as easy as that.
That’s it from me today. Remember, go to authorofyourownstory.com, sign up for our newsletter right now, so you’re getting additional tips, tricks, and insights delivered directly to your inbox. We never spam, you can always unsubscribe, but you also will get newsletter updates about different special options that we have. Like, for example, we’re interviewing special people that have become authors of their own stories in unique ways, and we’re doing live interviews, and I want to make sure you have a part of that, and you have access to those while they’re alive, because they’re only going to be live for one week, and then we’re taking them down and putting them into our Author of Your Own Story University for members only, so I want to make sure you get complete access to that and enjoy it. So that’s it from me today. Remember, go out and be the author of your own story.
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